I’ve been watching Greys Anatomy for ages and a few episodes ago Shonda dealt with Ehlers Danlos Syndrome (a condition I have) Last year after getting sick on my travels I went to see a cardiologist just to check everything was fine but one of the things he picked up was that my heart valves had been affected by Ehlers Danlos, it’s no big issue my hearts just a bit stretchier than most.
One of the things he told me though is I’d never be able to carry a child and I ignored him because that wasn’t news I wanted to hear, and then Shonda dealt with it in Greys and all of a sudden it felt very real.
I trust my body deeply and have no doubt I could birth a child and I know I would have the privilege of the best care but Ehlers Danlos often means in pregnancy your membranes could rupture early or spontaneous labor could occur. I’ve been thinking a lot about this, if I had a child that child would be premature and need time in an incubator and from the reading I’ve done on the Primal Wound babies that spend time away from their parents in incubators have the same issues later on in life as adoptees, that early bonding is so important.
So this has lead to a process of trying to imagine what it might be like not to carry a child, and it makes me feel very raw and teary but it has also got me thinking a lot about trauma and how trauma carries itself through families. I posted a quote on my Instagram page a while ago "Pain travels through families until someone is ready to feel it."
I am realizing more and more how traumatized my adoptive mother is and of course she would be, she's been through and seen things I cant even dream of, but when that trauma gets suppressed or is not processed it get's carried on to the next generation, then too there is the trauma of my birth mother too.
So the last few weeks I've been doing a lot of sifting through wehats mine and what not. This does by no means, means I am free to abandon all the inner work and processing I do but it makes me feel a lot better to know that the heaviness I feel is not only my own.
Having children was always a no brainer for me but in the last few weeks I have realized that maybe I might not have children in the near future or at all, and also how many things I have to still to unlearn.
There are so many other ways to mother than being a "Mother"